Reminiscing The Kiss of a Love that just didn't Love as Much as You did

Boredom and Curiosity
An unsatisfiable desire

Its been about a month and a half, since February 14, 2009.
I knew from that day on I was going to feel worse about
what I've done. There was this hope, though, that things would
fall into place; some way or another, with someone or another.

I'm really not sure what I'm doing, this whole 'wishy-washy'
thing that I'm going through doesn't make me feel good, kind
of motion sick, without really moving, it's all in my head.
I shouldn't have done what I did, but it's the past, and was
made history for sure. A weird but comforting one.

Oh, I sometimes I tell myself how much I hate how I've experienced
some new things, but then I think about it and other days, I'm
quite thankful. It makes me happy, it made me happy. I DON'T EVEN
KNOW WHAT I'M WRITING ABOUT!! I'm saying to myself that this will
make me feel a little better, but I'm not making any sense.... Gosh.

I convinced myself for about two weeks that I did not need the
feelings that I had the other five months before, I did a good job,
'till I sat there one day.. blankly staring past everyone, keeping
what I had in mind, in my mind... because people judge. They judge
so much it makes me scared, because I'm guilty. Very guilty.

It was lust for sure. The whole stupid teenager phase, going crazy
for that other person. But the time spent changed it around, it
deleted the sexual parts of it and transformed it into need. I
needed comfort. I needed him to tell me I'm still a good person.
It didn't matter if other people told me that, I needed him to tell
me.

Horrible. I'm a horrible person because I just can't decide, and then
I dwell. Hypocrisy endlessly floods out of me, I want to hide but not
alone. But I had another friend right there with me and I'm thankful.
My friend; Oh, my friend; Just friends. We get that a lot. Do we want
that? I don't. Does he want that? I can't tell.

The jokes turned into a reality, and I have to decide what I am going
to do. Most days I'm certain about my choice. But when it has its
small bump that makes me feel uneasy, I fall back again into this
confusion like the annoying and wannabe depressing child I am.

I used to know how to deal with this stuff, because I've always depended
on my girls. As long as I had someone to go back to, for that attention
I desire, some type of happiness. The girls have gone to live their lives,
and I accept that. Now I'm dependent on my boys. But the boys, like the
girls, are not obligated to me and I can't force them to feed that satisfying
lifestyle I have of hanging out all the time. When they aren't with me,
I'm lost. Whoa, I'm confused what I'm trying to get at.

Conclusion: I need you. When we are alone together, I just want to lay
next to you, your arm around me, and your other hand on my head. I don't have anywhere else to go this weekend, I don't want anywhere else to go this
weekend, I want to be with you. We are hanging out more often, but there is no progress. We don't have to do anything special, just sitting there is okay.
Whenever you make me doubt my feelings, I think of my recently past
experiences. Please don't make me think of those>> Because it makes me
feel like he didn't care about me, I hope he did and still does. But
nothing more will happen with him. So you have to help me clear that
discomfort with your care. ALSO HELP ME FIGURE OUT YOUR THOUGHTS
AND ACTIONS BECAUSE THEY ARE FREAKING CONFUSING and I'm sure I
have everything all wrong.

alexxjang