Like this dude, to the left, that totally inspires me. I even wrote about him in a small scholarship essay, I didn't get the scholarship, but I sure did write about him!
It totally just brings me down, why do you gotta act like there's a really long stick up your... BOOTY! My freaking goodness, just chill. Do you feel like you have to make a scene? Est ce que vous êtes en colère pour avoir l'attention? I doesn't make the world a better place. I'm sorry, but bringing down everyone else for your own benefit isn't totally nice, it's not cosmopolitanism, think of everyone else. Does it make you feel a bit more powerful? Well, you sure are losing your influence on me.
I enjoy good atmospheres.
Oh and P.S. In a friendship, you gotta put a little effort in it too to keep it bright.
indecisiveness [indecisive] 1. unable to decide: unable or reluctant to make decisions generally or to come to a decision about something in particular 2. without a clear outcome: not producing a clear result, especially a clear victory for somebody [took that from a microsoft encarta; i no plagiarize!]
Ever have that moment when you're ready to tell someone something, something that is obviously important to you, that it totally bugs you? You have the right words written down, but you trash it. You hit the backspace button, or you tear the paper to shreds. Was it a feeling that came over you that made you unsure of their response? Or was it that you just felt that person was not ready to hear it, or your info was not ready to be told to anyone?
It's so easy for other people. Society messed me up, the people i know, love, and care for. It's how I grew up, how i was indirectly told to live.
People change, don't expect me to be different in that area.
What area?
I used to be the one that didn't have that many feelings other than happiness, unless i didnt just show it, becuase thats what it comes down to.
I held it all in for too long, and now it eats its way out of me and is killing me everyday.
Secret: I have a medicine.
No, not an actual drug. Something to keep the hurt inside killing me. It's someone. Yes, someone. and i believe I've overdosed.
Two- I'm weak.
Always been, deep down inside behind that act.
Thought I was different.
All along, just like everyone else. Weak. I can't turn back. I need to know.
Know what?
How long it is really going to take me to be normal again. How long it is going to be before I completely crash down. Before I find a way to be happy again, to be free.
IM TRAPPED.
Three- I've never been the one with the happy ending.
As I sit here in sadness, drowning in my thoughts, there is no escape.
There is no escape
It's an ongoing circle
Just circluates characters.
Recycles some of the old ones, and brings new ones in.
And I suffer.
That is how it is meant to be for me.
Of course there were good moments, but they NEVER end well for me.
No happy ending=incomplete.
Always. For me.
What am I waiting for?
For that final tick to make me actually realize my addiction is not good.
Let me fall. Who cares how I fall, how I go. I need it verbadum. I need you to break me down.
Thats what Im used to.
Four- I'm only there to listen and support, only to be a freind.
Never to feel, never to be loved, never to be noticed as anything more.
That has been checked off the list a long time ago.
im ready for something new.
*Notice this post all over the place, not alligned. --this is my mind.
One type of person I hate are those who know how to manuver around people and their feelings to get what they want without any consideration to that other person's emotions. Boy or Girl, those who sweet talk their "love" or "Friend" knowing that all they want is to let off a little steam and loosen those nerves. After that, "I don't want any more association with you, peace, I'll call you next time i wanna use you" Great. That's Freaking horrible. That proves that people like that usually guys are just DOGS.
That also makes it harder for guys who are sincere and trustworthy to be trusted by other girls, it isn't fair. This set stereotype that spreads and is seen in a lot of guys blinds us from all of the true men. The girls who are in search of that man, search so hard they are just blinded as well hoping to find that charming, loyal, true guy, but they want it so bad, they could easily fall into the arms of the wrong guy, the liar.
People are just searching for true people who tell the truth and feel the same that the other person, not just infatuation. That is what usually overcomes them, infatuation, the quick sexual feeling. Or that "feeling" one of the people are feeling is becuase they think that if would fix everything, it would make things better, it could possibly make the other think that that person is the one. Once it is done, it is done. They realize they made that mistake, when they probably knew all along it was a mistake. But they were lost, left alone to travel some deserted road of confusion and when they found some source of hope or direction, they were just taken off that road real quick to find themselves back where they started.
People are obviously people. They are going to think about themselves, their feelings, and their wants. No consideration. There are some people like that, and we can hope that everyone can change to actually THINK, but that just won't happen. All we can do is just THINK more for ourselves, our own good. Know deep down inside, if a person has done you wrong once, or twice, go ahead and talk to them, but please please put a guard up and think about what they really what. What they really really want. To be your friend, or get in your pants.
Take Care of yourself, for yourself.
Dedicated to my bestbuddy I love you! cheer up soon, okay? AlexxJang
Motion sick- Around and around in a circle trying to decide what I'm going to do. Back and fourth back and fourth and pretty much blind, not knowing where I'm going or at right now...
So, after talking to Mr. Bucher today, I'm still kind of stuck on where I want to go to school. When I asked him, he just said, "Well, what makes your heart sing?" I wanted to say the art does, but i said, "I dont know." Something deep down tells me that even though I love art and it makes me happy, I'm not supposed to go down that road. But thats only some or most days. Other days the art and the Academy of Art University in San Francisco is really calling to me, it's SCREAMING out to me. But then again, the University of Pacific also calls, but literally. [haha?]
After talking to him, kind of still in the same position I was in before talking to Mr. Bucher, I just sat, and cried. Deciding your freakin' future right now freakin' sucks. Maybe not to some people where their parents have their whole lives set out already, but people like me...no too great. NOT THAT I'M NOT THANKFUL FOR THIS FREEDOM. Why couldn't I just become a darn astronaut. you say, "Yeah, Alex! Why don't you just become a darn astronaut???!!?".......... Sorry, I get motion sick.
So, the other choice was FLIP A COIN!! [[oh boy]] I'M GOING TO LEAVE IT TO A COIN TO DECIDE WHERE I GO IN LIFE!?! [might as well go to the "magic eraser" that gives you answers to government quizzes..(inside joke w/ rebecca choi)]
ANYWAYS! I think I might be leaning more towards Pacific. I am going to take lead in my life, even though it is hard and I think it would be easier if I had some people telling me what to do, BUT ONE THING!!!! DON'T BE SPLIT OPINIONED, THAT GETS ME NOWHERE. So I'm hoping up front in my car ride [of life--(weird)] and I hope I won't get sick or get "my driver" lost. [siiike--we won't get lost] TRUST TRUST TRUST.
Gotta do what motion sick-getting people do when they are motion sick. Stop the ride, drink some water, eat a cracker or two, and sit up front. [TAKE IT LIKE A wo-MAN!]
Freakinn' Freak. After forgetting my older gmail email account and pw, I made a new one to actually write on now, because I would much rather write in here than think about other things like school.. I'm just being lazy, I don't want to think too much about my future because IT makes me want to cry. I want to sit here and be a kid, but I have a few days until i have to decide what school im going to..[grrrreaaat] This is the "come back" of thee records of my life. [??-maybe] Not too much as xanga but there will be something. Come back. maybe there will be something meaningful. Love you lots!
