So, after years of being tossed back and forth in a
crowd of words and feelings I can say with confidence
that I have found someone that might actually appreciate me.
Appreciate under the conditions of personality though,
and I believe strictly that. And for that, I continue
to ask myself "Can I really let a person fully in?"
The answer is no. Unless there was full acceptance,
appreciation, equality, and interest from and in this
person.
An original excuse for my lack of dedication to physical
fitness was not only because I was lazy, but because
I wanted someone to like me for me, not for the way I
looked. I used to dream that I was genius enough to
make a body suit that looked so real, people could not
tell it was a costume or whatever. That once I created
it, I lost my weight and would maintain my larger exterior
appearance and continue on with my life. When I would
find my special person that would truly love me for me,
I would "blossom" out of my fat suit and like totally
make him thankful for taking the chance to really get
to know me, be my friend, and love me.
Reality: does not always work out that way. I gave up,
started working on that body. Lost some weight, and finally
I am getting some interest from people. Before that I was
just known as the good friend, the buddy, pal, dude.
Vulnerability sank in; I wanted someone. And someone,
anyone, is what I got. But it was just physical interest.
There were no common grounds of appreciation, interest,
equality, and especially acceptance. I was not accepted.
How could I be? I'm still on the thicker side. But because
it was the only attention I was basically getting, I sucked
it up and delt with it.
Today: I have someone else that actually appreciates and
accepts me. Good start, right? Yes. However, I'm still
questioning this person of their motives. Originally it began
with friendliness, of course, but the ambiance when together
is always positive and at the same time intense. If not, it
can be a bit awkward... Due to the fact that I derive from the
very essense of awkwardness. Setting that aside, I hear that
I should not change and that even before I was being watched
and concerned about, emotions wise. That person wanted to be
there for me, and I cracked the door... letting someone in a
bit. I kind of don't know if it would be safe to say right
now, but I get iffy feelings already even though I have fully
tied myself to focus on a more committed fling, I guess you
can say.
I started to gain a few pounds. It's only been a month and
I am already hearing it. Criticism through small meaningless
jokes. Undertones of fear that I will return to my orignal
exterior in high school. Wow, high school. Pain kind of
shoots like drugs through my veins and sinks in to my entire
body when hearing certain related words of disappointment.
I heard you say that you only started to notice ME after the
physical change. But that was my tool, duh. I kind of regret it
in a way, because even though I've heard words like "I noticed
you before" or "you're beautiful" does not mean that I've
ignored my main points to find someone that can truly accept
me. You tell me that I better not gain weight because you are
with me?! What makes you think you are so special that I am
going to revolve my lifestyle choices around you!? Poking "fun"
at me and continually bringing up the fact that I have a big
gut is not all that comforting. Acceptance is the main problem
between us. I didn't know if I could truly accept you because
the emotions were just not truly strong between us. I gave
it a chance. But now I'm thinking I can't fully accept you because
you can't fully accept me. 550 pounds, 220 pounds, 150 pounds,
130 pounds... I'd still be the same person inside. And if you
can't think of trying to change how I think about you or
completely feel about you... You are not allowed to think about
trying to change how I look.
Maybe it's not even about acceptance.
Maybe I'm just looking for an excuse.
Confused Anger in the form of the curvy
Alexxjang
