Shift Into Turbo!

Qualifications of a Worthy Man

2010-10-27T10:43:00.000-07:00

I'm definitely more than qualified to become a leader.
A leader should be trusted to follow through with what
they have said they can do for those who choose to
follow. They must be reliable, but society also tells us
they must be wealthy to be worthy. I may not be rich,
but the balance in my bank account does not deem me
a big spender. I know how to save money. I'm too busy
paying school loans. You see, I actually like paying off
my debts. Paying what you owe says a lot about a person,
whether its actual money or another form of promise.
But it especially says something about the kind of person I am,
A woman of my words.

--alexxjang

Motives for Dominance or Excuses?

2010-10-08T02:03:00.000-07:00

So, after years of being tossed back and forth in a
crowd of words and feelings I can say with confidence
that I have found someone that might actually appreciate me.
Appreciate under the conditions of personality though,
and I believe strictly that. And for that, I continue
to ask myself "Can I really let a person fully in?"
The answer is no. Unless there was full acceptance,
appreciation, equality, and interest from and in this
person.
An original excuse for my lack of dedication to physical
fitness was not only because I was lazy, but because
I wanted someone to like me for me, not for the way I
looked. I used to dream that I was genius enough to
make a body suit that looked so real, people could not
tell it was a costume or whatever. That once I created
it, I lost my weight and would maintain my larger exterior
appearance and continue on with my life. When I would
find my special person that would truly love me for me,
I would "blossom" out of my fat suit and like totally
make him thankful for taking the chance to really get
to know me, be my friend, and love me.
Reality: does not always work out that way. I gave up,
started working on that body. Lost some weight, and finally
I am getting some interest from people. Before that I was
just known as the good friend, the buddy, pal, dude.
Vulnerability sank in; I wanted someone. And someone,
anyone, is what I got. But it was just physical interest.
There were no common grounds of appreciation, interest,
equality, and especially acceptance. I was not accepted.
How could I be? I'm still on the thicker side. But because
it was the only attention I was basically getting, I sucked
it up and delt with it.
Today: I have someone else that actually appreciates and
accepts me. Good start, right? Yes. However, I'm still
questioning this person of their motives. Originally it began
with friendliness, of course, but the ambiance when together
is always positive and at the same time intense. If not, it
can be a bit awkward... Due to the fact that I derive from the
very essense of awkwardness. Setting that aside, I hear that
I should not change and that even before I was being watched
and concerned about, emotions wise. That person wanted to be
there for me, and I cracked the door... letting someone in a
bit. I kind of don't know if it would be safe to say right
now, but I get iffy feelings already even though I have fully
tied myself to focus on a more committed fling, I guess you
can say.
I started to gain a few pounds. It's only been a month and
I am already hearing it. Criticism through small meaningless
jokes. Undertones of fear that I will return to my orignal
exterior in high school. Wow, high school. Pain kind of
shoots like drugs through my veins and sinks in to my entire
body when hearing certain related words of disappointment.
I heard you say that you only started to notice ME after the
physical change. But that was my tool, duh. I kind of regret it
in a way, because even though I've heard words like "I noticed
you before" or "you're beautiful" does not mean that I've
ignored my main points to find someone that can truly accept
me. You tell me that I better not gain weight because you are
with me?! What makes you think you are so special that I am
going to revolve my lifestyle choices around you!? Poking "fun"
at me and continually bringing up the fact that I have a big
gut is not all that comforting. Acceptance is the main problem
between us. I didn't know if I could truly accept you because
the emotions were just not truly strong between us. I gave
it a chance. But now I'm thinking I can't fully accept you because
you can't fully accept me. 550 pounds, 220 pounds, 150 pounds,
130 pounds... I'd still be the same person inside. And if you
can't think of trying to change how I think about you or
completely feel about you... You are not allowed to think about
trying to change how I look.
Maybe it's not even about acceptance.
Maybe I'm just looking for an excuse.

Confused Anger in the form of the curvy
Alexxjang

Reminiscing The Kiss of a Love that just didn't Love as Much as You did

2009-04-04T11:27:00.000-07:00

Boredom and Curiosity
An unsatisfiable desire

Its been about a month and a half, since February 14, 2009.
I knew from that day on I was going to feel worse about
what I've done. There was this hope, though, that things would
fall into place; some way or another, with someone or another.

I'm really not sure what I'm doing, this whole 'wishy-washy'
thing that I'm going through doesn't make me feel good, kind
of motion sick, without really moving, it's all in my head.
I shouldn't have done what I did, but it's the past, and was
made history for sure. A weird but comforting one.

Oh, I sometimes I tell myself how much I hate how I've experienced
some new things, but then I think about it and other days, I'm
quite thankful. It makes me happy, it made me happy. I DON'T EVEN
KNOW WHAT I'M WRITING ABOUT!! I'm saying to myself that this will
make me feel a little better, but I'm not making any sense.... Gosh.

I convinced myself for about two weeks that I did not need the
feelings that I had the other five months before, I did a good job,
'till I sat there one day.. blankly staring past everyone, keeping
what I had in mind, in my mind... because people judge. They judge
so much it makes me scared, because I'm guilty. Very guilty.

It was lust for sure. The whole stupid teenager phase, going crazy
for that other person. But the time spent changed it around, it
deleted the sexual parts of it and transformed it into need. I
needed comfort. I needed him to tell me I'm still a good person.
It didn't matter if other people told me that, I needed him to tell
me.

Horrible. I'm a horrible person because I just can't decide, and then
I dwell. Hypocrisy endlessly floods out of me, I want to hide but not
alone. But I had another friend right there with me and I'm thankful.
My friend; Oh, my friend; Just friends. We get that a lot. Do we want
that? I don't. Does he want that? I can't tell.

The jokes turned into a reality, and I have to decide what I am going
to do. Most days I'm certain about my choice. But when it has its
small bump that makes me feel uneasy, I fall back again into this
confusion like the annoying and wannabe depressing child I am.

I used to know how to deal with this stuff, because I've always depended
on my girls. As long as I had someone to go back to, for that attention
I desire, some type of happiness. The girls have gone to live their lives,
and I accept that. Now I'm dependent on my boys. But the boys, like the
girls, are not obligated to me and I can't force them to feed that satisfying
lifestyle I have of hanging out all the time. When they aren't with me,
I'm lost. Whoa, I'm confused what I'm trying to get at.

Conclusion: I need you. When we are alone together, I just want to lay
next to you, your arm around me, and your other hand on my head. I don't have anywhere else to go this weekend, I don't want anywhere else to go this
weekend, I want to be with you. We are hanging out more often, but there is no progress. We don't have to do anything special, just sitting there is okay.
Whenever you make me doubt my feelings, I think of my recently past
experiences. Please don't make me think of those>> Because it makes me
feel like he didn't care about me, I hope he did and still does. But
nothing more will happen with him. So you have to help me clear that
discomfort with your care. ALSO HELP ME FIGURE OUT YOUR THOUGHTS
AND ACTIONS BECAUSE THEY ARE FREAKING CONFUSING and I'm sure I
have everything all wrong.

alexxjang

Beaucoup d'Haîne

2008-12-04T21:55:00.000-08:00

People are too cranky now-a-days.

Why can't we all just go with the flow.

Like this dude, to the left, that totally inspires me.
I even wrote about him in a small scholarship essay, I didn't
get the scholarship, but I sure did write about him!

It totally just brings me down, why do you gotta act like there's a really long stick up your... BOOTY! My freaking goodness, just chill. Do you feel like you have to make a scene? Est ce que vous êtes en colère pour avoir l'attention? I doesn't make the world a better place. I'm sorry, but bringing down everyone else for your own benefit isn't totally nice, it's not cosmopolitanism, think of everyone else. Does it make you feel a bit more powerful? Well, you sure are losing your influence on me.

I enjoy good atmospheres.

Oh and P.S.
In a friendship, you gotta put a little effort in it too to keep it bright.

Alexxjang

Wavering All Over the Place.

2008-11-27T03:40:00.000-08:00

indecisiveness
[indecisive]
1. unable to decide: unable or reluctant to make decisions generally or to come to a decision about something in particular
2. without a clear outcome: not producing a clear result, especially a clear victory for somebody
[took that from a microsoft encarta; i no plagiarize!]

Ever have that moment when you're ready to tell someone something, something that is obviously important to you, that it totally bugs you? You have the right words written down, but you trash it. You hit the backspace button, or you tear the paper to shreds. Was it a feeling that came over you that made you unsure of their response? Or was it that you just felt that person was not ready to hear it, or your info was not ready to be told to anyone?

It's so easy for other people.
Society messed me up, the people i know, love, and care for.
It's how I grew up, how i was indirectly told to live.

Fuuudge, i have problems.

Alexxjang.

Care About the World, People!

2008-11-20T00:59:00.001-08:00

“Hazel”

When she’s outside, she could feel the pulses of life around her;

They came from the wind that blew against everything outside.

The sounds of rustling leaves and the flutters of the birds,

An imagination created in her mind that separated her from the crude reality.

Her sense of direction was one with nature.

The random signs that always lead her directly to her destinations;

“When we get to that Hazel tree, we’re going to go over that overpass and turn right”

She could always imagine the map of her town based around the elements of nature.

The city was shaped and formed around nature,

That’s they way she believed it should be at least.

All the old trees that inspired her true sense of imagination,

They were supposed to remain there to inspire the rest of the world.

One day, the energy the sun, the trees, the dirt, the animals, the wind gave her disappeared.

The Hazel tree and many others were being taken down.

It wasn’t like she lost all sense of direction,

But she did lose her comfort in the world.

The smallest of changes the world makes for a few more peoples’ convenience.

Human connection with nature has been silenced,

And the rest of the generations to come will never have the experience

To feel the beauty and comfort nature gives.

Dead jack rabbits on the road, the birds have flown away.

The spot the Hazel tree was, was overtaken by another gas station,

She wants to complain to the world, but they all just shrug and say, “what ever”.

She wants to create a new beginning for nature.

A new tree is given a chance in the community.

The scarlet was donated from the local tree foundation to promote beauty and life;

She knows that it is tough for any living thing but humans to have a say on earth,

But she also knows that she will speak for them and stand as tall as they do to protect them…

As they have done for her for many years.

Alexxjang

Hurry Now, Let Me Down.

2008-10-24T19:14:00.000-07:00

One- I'm not everything you thought I would be.

People change, don't expect me to be different in that area.

What area?

I used to be the one that didn't have that many feelings other than happiness, unless i didnt just show it, becuase thats what it comes down to.

I held it all in for too long, and now it eats its way out of me and is killing me everyday.

Secret: I have a medicine.

No, not an actual drug. Something to keep the hurt inside killing me. It's someone. Yes, someone. and i believe I've overdosed.

Two- I'm weak.

Always been, deep down inside behind that act.

Thought I was different.

All along, just like everyone else. Weak. I can't turn back. I need to know.

Know what?

How long it is really going to take me to be normal again. How long it is going to be before I completely crash down. Before I find a way to be happy again, to be free.

IM TRAPPED.

Three- I've never been the one with the happy ending.

As I sit here in sadness, drowning in my thoughts, there is no escape.

There is no escape

It's an ongoing circle

Just circluates characters.

Recycles some of the old ones, and brings new ones in.

And I suffer.

That is how it is meant to be for me.

Of course there were good moments, but they NEVER end well for me.

No happy ending=incomplete.

Always. For me.

What am I waiting for?

For that final tick to make me actually realize my addiction is not good.

Let me fall. Who cares how I fall, how I go. I need it verbadum. I need you to break me down.

Thats what Im used to.

Four- I'm only there to listen and support, only to be a freind.

Never to feel, never to be loved, never to be noticed as anything more.

That has been checked off the list a long time ago.

im ready for something new.

*Notice this post all over the place, not alligned. --this is my mind.

J for Jerks and a certain one.

2008-04-29T20:50:00.000-07:00

One type of person I hate are those who know how to manuver around people and their feelings to get what they want without any consideration to that other person's emotions. Boy or Girl, those who sweet talk their "love" or "Friend" knowing that all they want is to let off a little steam and loosen those nerves. After that, "I don't want any more association with you, peace, I'll call you next time i wanna use you" Great. That's Freaking horrible. That proves that people like that usually guys are just DOGS.

That also makes it harder for guys who are sincere and trustworthy to be trusted by other girls, it isn't fair. This set stereotype that spreads and is seen in a lot of guys blinds us from all of the true men. The girls who are in search of that man, search so hard they are just blinded as well hoping to find that charming, loyal, true guy, but they want it so bad, they could easily fall into the arms of the wrong guy, the liar.

People are just searching for true people who tell the truth and feel the same that the other person, not just infatuation. That is what usually overcomes them, infatuation, the quick sexual feeling. Or that "feeling" one of the people are feeling is becuase they think that if would fix everything, it would make things better, it could possibly make the other think that that person is the one. Once it is done, it is done. They realize they made that mistake, when they probably knew all along it was a mistake. But they were lost, left alone to travel some deserted road of confusion and when they found some source of hope or direction, they were just taken off that road real quick to find themselves back where they started.

People are obviously people. They are going to think about themselves, their feelings, and their wants. No consideration. There are some people like that, and we can hope that everyone can change to actually THINK, but that just won't happen. All we can do is just THINK more for ourselves, our own good. Know deep down inside, if a person has done you wrong once, or twice, go ahead and talk to them, but please please put a guard up and think about what they really what. What they really really want. To be your friend, or get in your pants.

Take Care of yourself, for yourself.

Dedicated to my bestbuddy
I love you! cheer up soon, okay?
AlexxJang

SHOTGUN!

2008-04-24T22:55:00.000-07:00

Motion sick- Around and around in a circle trying to decide what I'm going to do. Back and fourth back and fourth and pretty much blind, not knowing where I'm going or at right now...

So, after talking to Mr. Bucher today, I'm still kind of stuck on where I want to go to school. When I asked him, he just said, "Well, what makes your heart sing?" I wanted to say the art does, but i said, "I dont know." Something deep down tells me that even though I love art and it makes me happy, I'm not supposed to go down that road. But thats only some or most days. Other days the art and the Academy of Art University in San Francisco is really calling to me, it's SCREAMING out to me. But then again, the University of Pacific also calls, but literally. [haha?]

After talking to him, kind of still in the same position I was in before talking to Mr. Bucher, I just sat, and cried. Deciding your freakin' future right now freakin' sucks. Maybe not to some people where their parents have their whole lives set out already, but people like me...no too great. NOT THAT I'M NOT THANKFUL FOR THIS FREEDOM. Why couldn't I just become a darn astronaut. you say, "Yeah, Alex! Why don't you just become a darn astronaut???!!?".......... Sorry, I get motion sick.

So, the other choice was FLIP A COIN!! [[oh boy]]
I'M GOING TO LEAVE IT TO A COIN TO DECIDE WHERE I GO IN LIFE!?!
[might as well go to the "magic eraser" that gives you answers to government quizzes..(inside joke w/ rebecca choi)]

ANYWAYS!
I think I might be leaning more towards Pacific. I am going to take lead in my life, even though it is hard and I think it would be easier if I had some people telling me what to do, BUT ONE THING!!!! DON'T BE SPLIT OPINIONED, THAT GETS ME NOWHERE. So I'm hoping up front in my car ride [of life--(weird)] and I hope I won't get sick or get "my driver" lost. [siiike--we won't get lost] TRUST TRUST TRUST.

Gotta do what motion sick-getting people do when they are motion sick.
Stop the ride, drink some water, eat a cracker or two, and sit up front.
[TAKE IT LIKE A wo-MAN!]

blabbereblabllblblbalbaaaberrss.
AlexxJang

So little I want to do, So little time.

2008-04-20T15:50:00.000-07:00

Freakinn' Freak. After forgetting my older gmail email account and pw, I made a new one to actually write on now, because I would much rather write in here than think about other things like school.. I'm just being lazy, I don't want to think too much about my future because IT makes me want to cry. I want to sit here and be a kid, but I have a few days until i have to decide what school im going to..[grrrreaaat] This is the "come back" of thee records of my life. [??-maybe] Not too much as xanga but there will be something. Come back. maybe there will be something meaningful.
Love you lots!